I Never Said No
by 2queens1prince
Summary: An early Elizabeth and Henry story that has its fair share of bumps along the way. Sensitive topics discussed.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Welcome to my latest multi-chapter. I'm rating it M for the topic. You'll pretty much know after the first chapter if you are hanging in for this one, or bowing out. Let me know what you think.

October 1986

Elizabeth Adams stood in front of the small mirrored counter that connected the two closets in her dorm room at UVA. Carefully sculpted curls cascaded over her shoulders. Her makeup was lightly applied, just enough to accentuate her features. She smiled at her reflection. She looked good. She wanted to look good for her date. She met Henry McCord at a new student mixer when she first arrived on campus. They'd had an interesting discussion about the appointment of Renquist to the position of US Supreme Court Chief Justice. It was sort of an odd topic for a "Welcome to UVA" event, and they had started with the usual pleasantries. It just quickly morphed into deeper discussion.

Elizabeth was a little disappointed when she hadn't heard from him again, but shrugged it off. He was quite a bit older than she was, and for all she knew, he may have a girlfriend. Henry, on the other hand, was immediately smitten with Miss Adams. Unfortunately, she had managed to get away from him without leaving any way to contact her. It took three weeks for the student government office to collect information and distribute the annual UVA Student Directory, and when Henry found it in his student mailbox, the rest of his mail was forgotten and within moments, he located a campus phone and dialed the dorm room of Elizabeth Adams to see if she'd like to go out on a date.

That first date was two months ago, and they immediately hit it off. After the third date, Henry told Elizabeth that he wanted to date her exclusively and she was completely on board. She thoroughly enjoyed his company and was excited to get to know him better. Of course, as time passed, they were becoming more physical as well. For Elizabeth, she wasn't particularly excited about this aspect of the relationship, feeling like her previous experiences were both unimpressive and generally problematic.

Henry quickly set her at ease though. He was slow, careful and he always encouraged communication. He never touched her in a different way before making sure she was agreeable. Elizabeth chuckled at that thought. She was always agreeable. Henry's touch lit her on fire and she was usually annoyed when he stopped and would just hold her. She was all in and he seemed to be operating on a slower moving time table.

Returning to the present, Elizabeth pulled a small jewelry box from behind the sliding mirror and set it on the counter. Opening it carefully, she sifted through her many pair of earrings. Finally she selected a pair of small gold hoops, the ones that her parents gave her for her 14th birthday. She used to wear them daily until her parents died. After that, she'd only worn them once. Elizabeth shuddered at that memory and physically shook her head to clear it. She knew a lot more about life now. She was in a very different place and Henry's idea of love was much different. These earrings would come to remind her of much happier times, she was sure.

They sat opposite each other at the table her favorite hole in the wall Chinese restaurant discussing an upcoming paper Henry had coming up when he stopped mid sentence and reached across the table and tucked her hair behind her left ear. "Those are beautiful," he said, his fingers, tracing the shell of her ear, stopping just above the earring.

"I do have attractive ears," she said cheekily, which caused him to laugh.

"I agree, but I meant your earrings." Henry pulled his hand back and let it fall to rest on top of her hand in the middle of the table.

"I was just being silly. My parents gave them to me for my fourteenth birthday. I don't wear them often anymore. They remind me of other things, but I'm trying to change that." She smiled slightly.

"I wish I had the opportunity to meet your parents," he said. Henry assumed she meant that she didn't wear the jewelry because it reminded her of her parents, and she didn't bother to correct him.

Instead, she responded, "Me too. My dad, especially, would've liked you." She gave him a real smile before shoving another dumpling into her mouth.

After dinner, they walked through the park together. They stopped at the fountain and tossed coins in, making wishes. Henry turned and looked at Elizabeth, his demeanor becoming serious. "I hope my wish comes true." The way his eyes shifted to a darker hue as they made contact with hers, caused a shiver to run the length of Elizabeth's spine.

"Me too," she whispered. "Why don't we head back?" Henry said nothing, but slipped his arm around her waist, and she leaned in close. They changed their direction to return. A few minutes later, they stood next to Elizabeth's car, parked in front of Henry's off campus apartment. He kissed her softly.

"You don't have to go right now," he murmured, pulling her in a little closer. "You could come up and we could hang out."

"By hang out, you mean make out?" she asked, a devilish grin plastered on her face. Henry blushed, but she stepped away from him. "Let's go." They stepped inside and she returned her keys to her purse and hung it on the coat rack next to the door.

Turning back to face him, she stepped in close and pushed up on her toes, brushing his lips. "I'm on board," she mumbled as she closed the distance. Their first kiss was always more tentative, him feeling out what she was up for. Tonight, she immediately let her tongue flick his lip, and it escalated from there.

His hair was intertwined through her fingers as she tightened them into a fist. He groaned and raked his teeth across her t-shirt covered collarbone and the flutter in her center became intense. A soft moan escaped her lips and she squeezed her legs together trying to relieve the building pressure.

Henry grinned against her and slipped his hand underneath her shirt. Elizabeth deepened the kiss and moved her hands to his biceps and gripped him tightly. He walked her backwards the three steps to the wall by his front door, all the while making small passes coming incrementally closer to her breast.

Elizabeth had molded herself to Henry's body and was thoroughly enjoying his ministrations. His hand wrapped around her breast at the same time she met the wall and she froze instantly. Henry felt the change immediately and pulled back to look at her. Sheer terror was written all over her face.

Henry let go of her and stepped back. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you into anything."

Elizabeth tried desperately to tamp down the fear that was coursing through her veins. She saw how upset Henry was and that did nothing to help the situation.

Holding up a shaky hand, she whispered, "No. No. I'm sorry. I just need to go." She sidestepped Henry, grabbed her purse off of the coat rack where it hung, and slipped out the door. Elizabeth jumped into her car and drove back to her dorm. Once parked, the tears overcame her. She buried her face in her hands and got lost in her memories.

The next morning, Elizabeth woke in her bed with no concrete recollection of getting there. She remembered the wonderful dinner that she and Henry shared, the walk together in which they held hands and she leaned in his side. Then they walked into Henry's apartment. Elizabeth wrapped her arms around Henry and giggled while pushing up on her toes to initiate the kiss. Their arms were tangled, tongues exploring. Elizabeth was all in until the split second she wasn't. In that moment she wasn't with Henry. She was back at Houghton Hall, and Mitch Evans had her pinned against the wall in the dimly lit back corner of the library. "You know you want me," he had whispered in her ear as his hand snaked up her Peter Pan collared uniform shirt and squeezed her breast.

Sitting up, she rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. Squinting at the bedside clock, she saw that it was after noon, and across the room, the light on her answering machine was flashing incessantly. Elizabeth threw off the covers and moved to her desk and pressed the message button. There were nine messages from Henry, each of which started with an apology and each grew more frantic in tone when she didn't answer.

Elizabeth sighed and made her way to the bathroom and when she returned to her room, she picked up the phone and called Henry. When he picked up, she started right in, not giving him a chance to question her. "Hey, sorry I freaked you out last night. It wasn't anything you did. We're okay, I promise Are we still on for tonight? Great. I'll see you at 7. Bye babe!"

The phone call disconnected and Henry stood in his apartment staring at the receiver. "What the hell was that?" he asked, his question lingering in the air of his apartment. Henry laid down in an attempt to get some rest, having not slept at all the night before. He still didn't understand what had happened. He and Elizabeth weren't doing anything that they hadn't been doing for a couple of weeks. In fact, it seemed that she sometimes seemed exasperated when he stopped, unwilling to go too fast too soon.

Her look of fear shook him, and then just disappearing-the whole situation worried Henry. He had wanted to follow her, but she looked so terrified, and he didn't want to make the situation worse. He decided that he would ask about it that night. Exhaustion finally overtook him and he drifted off.

Elizabeth showered and tried to go about her daily routine, but her thoughts kept drifting back to the previous night. For the first time ever, she was falling for a guy. It wasn't a crush or the kind of infatuation that faded once you got to know a person. Every time she spent time with Henry and learned more about him, she liked him more.

The problem was that as they got closer emotionally, they also got closer physically. She was in a twisted sort of paradox. Elizabeth craved Henry's touch and she enjoyed it, but as they came closer to being truly intimate, the more she had flashbacks.

Elizabeth thought she had buried Mitch Evans deep enough that he would never be thought of again, but it seemed he had a way of needling in where he wasn't wanted. He had ruined her relationship with Jeff Watts her senior year,and now he was messing with her chances of being with Henry. She wouldn't put up with it. It was a long time ago and she didn't even understand the real problem. It was just sex. Sex she didn't want, but that was beside the point. She just needed to toughen up and pretend it didn't happen. Dwelling on it wouldn't help.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thank you for the kind words. I hope you enjoy the second chapter.

Chapter 2

January 1986

Jeff flopped over, landing beside her on the bed, his chest heaving "Damnit Lizzie, either we are or we aren't. I'm getting sick and damn tired of you being willing right up to the last minute and then deciding you don't want 's fucking annoying."

Elizabeth lay there shivering and wrapped her arms around herself. "I don't know why," she whispered. It was a lie, but she couldn't explain it to Jeff. He'd say she was being dumb. Hell, she thought she was being dumb. Jeff would probably think she was crazy.

Calming enough to function, she turned on her side and kissed his shoulder and trailed her fingers lightly down his chest, his abdomen and finally landed between his legs, cupping his balls. "I never leave you hanging, do I?" she asked, hoping the fear that still swirled within her wasn't still detectable in her voice.

"You better not," he chuckled, and a shiver ran down Elizabeth's spine. She swallowed the lump in her throat and moved down to take him in her mouth.

Jeff broke up with her a month later, citing her failure to have sex as the reason for their relationship's demise. In all actuality, that was fine with Elizabeth, but if she were honest with herself, she didn't come away from that situation unscathed. Jeff left her just as wounded as Mitch did, but neither topic was up for discussion as far as Elizabeth was concerned.

October 1986

Diamond studs went into Elizabeth's ears as she prepared for her date with Henry. She said a little prayer that Henry would just let it drop and they could go on about their business. Henry was so much different than either Mitch or Jeff. He proved that time and time again.

Henry picked her up and after a somewhat awkward silence in the car, they seemed to have gotten past it while bowling. She flirtatiously wiggled her ass at him each time she stepped up to bowl. It made him laugh and it was about the 6th frame that he hopped up and smacked her on the butt when she did it, causing her to throw a gutter ball.

She tried to pout, but was too amused, and wound up sitting on his lap with her forehead pressed to his. He kissed her gently and then stood, nearly dumping her on the floor. Henry bowled three strikes in a row and beat her by two pins.

Elizabeth was still proposing a rematch when their burgers and fries were served in the diner attached to the bowling alley. They ate quietly and Elizabeth felt Henry stealing glances. Finally she made eye contact and replied, "It was nothing Henry. Stop looking at me like that."

"It wasn't nothing and you are either lying to me or you're lying to yourself." With that, Henry let it go, and changed the subject.

The rest of the evening was nice and when Henry went to drop her off, she encouraged him to come up to her room, and within minutes of closing her door she was on the bed with a shirtless Henry. When Henry started to lay Elizabeth back so she was underneath him, she squirmed away and pushed him down. She refused to have a repeat of the previous night. Elizabeth wasn't sure what being pinned down might bring, but she sure as hell wasn't willing to find out.

When it was evident that Henry wasn't going to touch her beyond the PG areas. Elizabeth huffed in frustration and sat up, yanking off her shirt with her bra following. Hovering over Henry, she whispered, "I'm fine. You're fine. Can you please just let it go?"

Henry swallowed hard. Elizabeth was so sexy when she was being authoritative, and in this moment she appeared to be completely fine. And she was. Was she frustrated when he stilled her hand as it traveled down his torso and danced along the edge of his jeans? Yes, but that was typical. He was always the one to stop before things got too heated.

They redressed and kissed goodnight, a few times, before Henry actually made it out the door. Elizabeth smiled. She definitely had things under control.

It seemed she was right. Everything was going well between the two of them. Two weeks passed and she was able to be with Henry with no problems. To Elizabeth, it became a non issue.

Elizabeth sat with several of her friends watching Henry's intramural basketball game. Her eyes were on Henry, but she listened to the conversation intently. The banter about who was hot and assertions about who was best in bed abounded. Suddenly, Elizabeth was back in high school, standing around the water cooler after a field hockey game. She closed her eyes, trying to block it out, but the memory was too vivid.

September 1984

Elizabeth reached in and filled her paper cup with water and downed it quickly, wiping the sweat from her forehead. The entire girls field hockey team seemed to be smitten with the boys hockey midfielder, Mitch Evans. Mitch was a senior, tall, and just muscular enough, not terribly thin, but not burly either. His hair was a black, curly mop and he had perfect olive skin. His eyes were almost black and piercing as he approached, staring down his group of adorers.

The girls silenced as he came close and parted the way when he reached in to get a cup of water. "You know, the guys have their own water cooler," Elizabeth said, her voice tinged with mock irritation.

"I'm aware, but I didn't come for the water. I came to see you. Good game Lizzie." Placing his hand on the small of her back, he tipped the cup up, swallowing the last bit of water. "See you around," he said, dropping his hand, landing square on her ass, squeezing it.

Elizabeth was too shocked to do much of anything other than stand there and let him walk away. Her initial emotion was fury, but all of the girls seemed to be thrilled for her and simultaneously jealous, so she said nothing. She'd let it go this time.

That was really the problem. Elizabeth let it go. When Mitch was around, her senses were on high alert. He always did something inappropriate, at least in her eyes. Then her friends would fall all over themselves to tell her that he could have his pick of any girl in the school and she was so lucky that he wanted her.

Lucky? Was that what they called it? Mitch's advances were relegated to grabbing her ass or the occasional side hug that somehow ended in him feeling her up. He never seemed to pay much attention to her off the hockey field though, so Elizabeth just planned to bide her time. He'd play basketball and she could say with certainty that she wouldn't be joining the girls' team this season.

Because of this, Elizabeth was completely caught off guard when Mitch cornered her in the library. She was in the basement looking for a book when he stepped close, leaning against the end of the stack, blocking her escape. "It's about time I got you by yourself," he said, grinning. His words were smooth and set Elizabeth on edge.

"Mitch," Elizabeth said, her voice even, not willing to admit that fear was stirring within her.

Before she knew what was happening, he had her hands pinned over her head with one hand and the other was snaking up her shirt, massaging her lace covered breast. Mitch ran his thumb over her nipple and she felt it harden under his touch. "You know you want me," he whispered before kissing her roughly, his tongue forcing its way into her mouth. He pulled away, and let her go. "I'll see you later sweetie." He flashed her a wide grin and disappeared up the stairs.

Elizabeth shrank bank and slid down the wall. Her heart was pounding in her ears and she could still feel his touch. She took slow deep breaths, calming herself. Eventually she stood and picked up her book that had fallen on the floor and made her way upstairs.

October 1986

"Elizabeth are you coming?" Her friend Jill nudged her shoulder. "Are you okay? You've been quiet tonight."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you guys later. I'm going to wait for Henry."

A chorus of "ooooos" broke out and Elizabeth blushed.

"Stop it guys, Just get outta here, would you?" she laughed, although part of her mind was still back on her past.

Making her way down the hallway to the locker room, she met a few guys that told her Henry was still inside cleaning up. She waited by the door and guys stopped filing out. As it grew quiet, Elizabeth felt a nervousness build up in her and she started making her way to the door. Henry could find her outside. She just needed an open space. She was about five yards from the large metal door leading outside when the lights clicked off. Elizabeth froze, suddenly panicked, and when someone grabbed her around the waist, she fell to the ground, hugging her knees in the fetal position.

Henry, trying to be funny and immediately seeing that it wasn't, quickly ran down the hallway and pushed the door open, letting in the remainder of the evening's light. It provided enough light that he found the light switch at the opposite end of the hall and turned the lights back on.

Swiftly, he moved to Elizabeth and knelt beside her. "Hey baby, I'm sorry. I thought I was being clever. I didn't mean to scare you." He saw the fear in her expression and he tried to cradle her in his arms, but she held him at arm's length.

Her voice quivered and she was breathing hard. "I just need a minute." Henry reached out to rub her arm and she pushed him away. "How about when I say I need a minute, you give me a minute?" She inhaled sharply and scooted away from him, crouching against the wall.

Henry sat down in his spot and waited. Elizabeth struggled to calm down. "I don't like the dark and I don't like to be scared like that."

Henry was kicking himself. "I see that, and I am sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. Please, let me hold you."

"I don't think I can," she whispered. "I'll be fine." Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she finally rose to a standing position. "We can go now."

Henry held the door, and once she was outside. He slipped his hand around hers and was thankful that she didn't pull away. "What happened that made you react like that?"

"Nothing," Elizabeth snapped "I just don't like to be scared is all. Is that okay with you?"

"I said I was sorry," Henry snapped back. He got it and understood that he was in the wrong, but wasn't her reaction over the top?

They walked in silence for a couple blocks. "You played a good game tonight," she said softly.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

Elizabeth stared at the ground. "I know you didn't mean to scare me. I'm sorry I overreacted."

"May I?" Henry offered his arm. She hesitated before stepping into his embrace. Henry could tell that she was still wasn't over it by the way she held herself against him. He let her go and took her hand once again. She didn't argue, which spoke volumes.

Standing on the front porch of her dorm, Henry spoke. "I can walk you up."

"No thanks. I'm fine."

"You aren't fine. Is it me? Are you scared of me?" he asked, genuinely afraid of her answer.

"No!" she almost shouted. "Why would you think that?" The look she gave him told him that she was truly perplexed.

"Because when I touch you sometimes, you tense up or pull away, but then it's almost like you force yourself to stay put. I hate the thought that I'm somehow hurting you."

Elizabeth tried to cover her surprise. There were a handful of times that she thought she might have a negative response to something Henry was doing, so she changed the situation. She especially avoided having her body pinned down or him whispering in her ear.

"It's not like that. I promise. I don't think you'd hurt me." She still wasn't completely over the earlier events, but she stepped closer to Henry and cupped her hands around his jaw. "Really." Gently pulling him down, she kissed him softly. "I'll call you tomorrow."


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thank you so much for the reviews. It means the world to me.

Chapter 3

December 1986

Elizabeth sat on her desk, her feet resting on her chair, twirling the phone cord around her fingers. "Why can't I have a new dress for the dance?" She sighed and listened to her Aunt Joan list perfectly good reasons as to why she didn't need a new formal dress.

"The one you got a couple years ago has only been worn once and no one at school has even seen it. Besides, you look gorgeous in it." Elizabeth clenched her jaw and let out a slow breath. She had no intention of telling her why she didn't want to wear the dress, so she'd just have to deal with it. She did have to concede that she looked good in it. Maybe too good. She shook off that thought.

"Yeah," she finally said. "You're right. It would be wasteful not to wear it again."

"Lizzie," her Aunt Joan asked, "Are you doing alright? This seems to be about more than rewearing a dress. It's not like you to care so much about superficial things like that."

In that moment, she wished that she was closer to her aunt. Joan was a good woman and had done right by her and her brother, Will, after their parents died. But, by the time she came into the picture, Elizabeth was already a teenager and just didn't form that really close relationship with Joan. Joan would have definitely been willing to listen back then, but it was Elizabeth who didn't want to go to her. It was no different now. She'd take care of things herself, just as she always had.

"I'm fine," she said softly. The words grated against her soul. Was she really fine? She certainly said it often enough. She finished the call with her aunt and went to the closet. Pulling the dress out of the garment bag, she couldn't stop her mind from going back.

November 1983

"You are so lucky," squealed Mary.

"I know. I'm beyond jealous right now." Tammy joined in. As they always did-all of Elizabeth's friends were convinced that she was leading a charmed life. She was invited to the fall dance with the hottest guy in school.

She tried to smile. "Guys. It's not that big of a deal. I'm not even sure if I want to go to the dance."

The gasps rang through the room and she was instantly on edge. "You have to go," Vicki said and was joined by several others.

That next weekend Will slumped down in an upholstered chair in the corner of the dress shop. "Sit up Will," Aunt Joan chided. "I promised you lunch out. You can put up with a little dress shopping." Will groaned and then straightened up as his sister appeared behind Joan.

"Wow, Lizzie. You look," he stopped.

"What Will? Go ahead and say it." Elizabeth was prepared for the insult that her brother always had, ready to cut her down.

"I was gonna say hot, but you're my sister and that's just gross."

"You do look beautiful dear. I think it's the perfect dress. Now you just need shoes." Will's groan filled the entire store.

December 1986

Elizabeth was beyond angry at herself for how she felt. It was ridiculous how a dumb dress could evoke such a visceral emotion within her.

Determined to get past it, Elizabeth styled her hair and applied her make up before shimmying into the dress. She put the gold hoop earrings in her ears. Elizabeth looked at herself in the mirror and cringed. She looked good, and there it was, the needling thought in the back of her head. You look too good.

November 1983

"Damn Lizzie! You are smokin' hot. Just you wait," Mitch said, taking her hand and dragging her from her room. They danced for a couple hours, and except for the near constant hand on her ass, she had a pretty good time. Twice she caught Mitch stepping off to a corner to drink from the flask tucked inside his jacket. He didn't appear to be getting drunk though, so she decided he must drink often enough that it didn't affect him..

When no one was looking, he kissed her hard. "I cannot wait to get you out of this dress," he whispered His hands slid up the side of the fitted red silky bodice.

"Mitch," she mumbled, uncomfortable not only with his touch, but also that he was doing it in public.

"Later then," was all he said and disappeared into the crowd. Elizabeth spent the rest of the evening with her friends and had a good time, almost forgetting about Mitch entirely.

But then he was at her side and Mary leaned in and mumbled, "You'll have to tell us all about it."

Elizabeth wrinkled her forehead. "About what?" she asked.

"Sex with Mitch you silly." She gave Elizabeth a playful shove and was gone. Mitch had her by the arm, leading her out of the school gym to his waiting car.

"We can't leave school grounds Mitch," Elizabeth said.

"We aren't. I'm just moving it, that's all. Come on." Holding the door open, Elizabeth got in, the unshakable feeling of dread looming over her.

She released a sigh of relief when he pulled into the parking lot between his dorm and hers. Maybe he was just going to drop her off. After getting out of the car, he ushered her into the back of the boys dorm. "I can't be here," she whispered.

"You can if you don't get caught. Come. They stepped into the hall and he pulled a key out and opened a door, shuffling them inside. It was an unoccupied room.

"No one lives here. How did you get a key?" she asked, sitting on the chair.

"When there's a will there's a way. Come here sexy."

Elizabeth shook her head, "I'm not."

"Oh but you are. I've been waiting for this for more than a year. Come here now." Suddenly there was an icy tone that she hadn't heard since the day in the library. He held his hand out and she took it tentatively.

"Mitch," she started, but he stopped her words with his mouth. He wasn't a bad kisser, but she knew that wasn't all he had planned, and that made her feel uneasy. She felt him grab the zipper and the sound of it sliding down her back echoed through the empty room. His lips turned up in a grin against her neck and he shifted to kiss her again, pushing the dress off her shoulders.

A shiver ran through her body as the material rippled down her legs, pooling at her feet. _This is supposed to be exciting. I am lucky. _She'd heard that enough times.

December 1986

A knock at the door broke into her thoughts. She stepped into her heels and moved to the door. Elizabeth took a deep breath. This night was for Henry. It was his ROTC Christmas Ball. "He's not Mitch. He's not Mitch. This won't be the same. Remember that."

Opening the door, Elizabeth's breath was taken away. Henry was in his dress blues, and he looked so good. Her eyes swept over him, starting at his feet and working their way up. She stopped when her eyes fell on his face. He was staring, but had no discernable expression.

"What?" she asked, as insecurity swept in.

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world and I'm trying very hard not to ogle you," he said simply. Then he reached out and took her hand. "I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I love it when you wear heels." He kissed her gently. "May I help you with your coat?" She nodded.

Henry helped her drape the fur lined cape over her shoulders and slipped his hand around hers. "I very much want to enjoy this night," she said softly.

"I want you to enjoy yourself," he replied, and she saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes and it put her at ease.

They had a wonderful night together. Henry introduced her to all of his ROTC buddies and their girlfriends, and Megan, the lone female in their group, and her date. They had a fabulous dinner followed by a dance. Elizabeth and Henry danced to nearly every song, although, Elizabeth ditched her heels after the first hour, because they were killing her feet.

Henry was in awe of Elizabeth. She commanded the room. Every person there wanted to talk to her, yet she only had eyes for Henry. Of course, she was friendly with everyone, but she always took the first opportunity to move back to him. It made a warmth radiate throughout his chest, and he recognized the love that was blooming.

When they left the hotel ballroom and started walking to the car, Henry felt the change. A coldness slipped in and he couldn't understand what had transpired. He never could. "Did you have a good time?" he asked.

"Very nice. Thank you." She was quiet, introspective, but it didn't seem to be peaceful, and that worried him.

Elizabeth couldn't keep her mind from going to the last car ride she'd taken while wearing this dress, and how she'd ended up in a room with Mitch, knowing full well what was about to happen, but hoping that somehow she was wrong.

November 1983

The dress tickled her ankles as it hit the floor. Mitch pulled back and stared at her. "No bra? That's bold. And kind of slutty. I like it." She blushed, but in the mostly darkened room, she was sure he wouldn't notice. He reached out and flicked her nipple. Elizabeth's arms hung at her side. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to react.

"Undress me," he commanded. Elizabeth had no idea how she moved, because there was never an actual command from her brain to do so, but she found that she had stepped forward and unbuttoned his shirt. Her hands shook as she fumbled with his belt. He took hold of her hands, and squeezed them a little harder than was comfortable. She met his gaze. He leaned in and whispered, "You want this."

December 1986

The cold wind cut through Elizabeth and she blinked hard. Henry was holding the car door open. Slowly she got out, and then looking around, was surprised. "You're bringing me home?" she murmured.

"Of course. Did you want to go somewhere else?" The confusion was evident.

"No. It's just I thought maybe-" She stopped herself. She didn't really think Henry had that planned. It was just because Mitch was a near constant in her thoughts lately and she suddenly couldn't separate the two. "Oh God." Her eyes went wide as she realized what she'd been thinking and applied it to Henry. "I'm sorry." She broke away from his grasp and nearly ran into the dorm.

Henry stood frozen to his spot for a full minute until he realized that he had to talk to her. He quickly parked the car and headed in to track her down. Knocking on her door, he heard muffled sobs. "Come on Elizabeth. Let me in."

"Henry, no. I can't." Guilt ripped through her as the tears streamed down her face. Henry was so kind and attentive. The idea that she could think he was capable of the same things as Mitch sickened her.

"Elizabeth. Open the door. We have to talk. You need to tell me what's going on with you." He rested his head on the door. "You say it's not me, but it obviously is." He waited, hoping she would open the door and let him in, into her room and into her thoughts. When nothing happened, he said, "Maybe we should take a break. Or maybe it's time we end this altogether. I care about you too much to continually hurt you." His heart broke as he came to terms with what he was about to do. "Goodbye Elizabeth," he choked out, and then he left.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I want to thank everyone who has written such lovely words about this story. Because I often write about more sensitive subjects, I wonder how well they will be received, and the fandom never fails to disappoint. I appreciate it very much.

FYI, I'm in the middle of a larger multi-chapter, so unless I get a wild hair and write a one shot, I'll probably be MIA for a while. Never fear though, I'll be writing. :)

There is one more chapter coming after this, and I'll try to get it posted in the next few days.

Chapter 4

Elizabeth gripped the doorknob while she waged the internal battle. Henry was leaving. She wasn't sure if he was just leaving the building or leaving her. It wasn't like when Jeff left and she was thankful. This hurt deeply. She liked Henry so much. She thought she may even be falling in love with him, and now she'd driven him away because of this, this thing, that wasn't supposed to bother her. It wasn't supposed to affect her-but it did-profoundly.

She wanted nothing more than to chase Henry down and explain to him, but she knew she couldn't-not in the shape she was in now. It took a long while to compose herself, but finally she moved away from the door, stepped out of the dress and put on her pajamas. After getting ready for bed, Elizabeth picked up the phone and dialed Henry's number.

Elizabeth wasn't quite sure what to do when Henry's answering machine kicked on. She listened to his message, and just the sound of his voice calmed her a bit. When she heard the tone, she spoke. "Henry? It's me, Elizabeth. I want to apologize for how tonight ended. I had such a wonderful time with you and I'm sorry I ran away like I did. I don't want you to go. It's not your fault and you're not the cause of any of this. I tried to ignore it, but I no longer-"

"Beeeeeeeep," the phone cut her off. She sighed and dialed his number once again and when the answering machine picked up, she finished what she wanted to say.

"Henry, sorry about that. Your answering machine cut me off. I just wanted to tell you that I can't ignore this thing anymore, and as much as I didn't want to drag you into the middle of it, I don't think I can get past it myself. So, I'm going to come by tomorrow morning to talk about it, and if you don't answer your door, then I guess I'll know where I stand. Bye." Elizabeth hung up the phone, wiped her eyes one last time, and crawled into bed.

November 1983

Elizabeth woke up the morning after the dance. She was in her bed, but she didn't remember getting there. The last thing she vividly remembered was Mitch wrapping his arms tightly around her biceps and walking her backwards toward the bed. Almost in defense of herself, she crossed her arms in front of herself. She winced and wiggled her arm out of the sleeve of her sweatshirt. There were faint purple marks on the back of her arm. She couldn't see them fully, but she guessed there was one for each of his fingers and his thumb.

Sitting up, she realized how stiff and sore she was. Elizabeth closed her eyes against the onslaught of emotions. She stayed very still and breathed through it and pushed all of the fear and sadness down until she thought she was past the point of crying. It was hard and she almost lost it when she finally made it to the bathroom and found her panties streaked with dried blood. She immediately slid them off and deposited them in the feminine napkin trash bag in the stall.

She showered and wrapped her robe tightly around her. Elizabeth rounded the corner to find Mary, Tammy, and Vickie camped out by her door. They squealed and shoved her inside. "You've got to tell us Lizzie. Did you guys, you know?" Mary asked. With Tammy and Vickie leaning in close, Elizabeth felt cornered.

"You guys stop. I'm not one to kiss and tell." Internally, Elizabeth hoped they would just go away. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about it. She didn't even think she could fake talking about it because she really didn't remember. It was like her mind shut down. Once she had her clothes off, the events were sketchy at best.

"You did! I knew it!" Tammy elbowed Mary. "What was it like?"

Vickie chimed in. "Was it like it is in the movies? Was he big? He looks like he would be big!"

As they continued to rifle off questions that Elizabeth had no intention of answering, she got lost in her own thoughts. She didn't think she'd ever been preoccupied with sex, at least not like her friends were. She hoped one day to have a boyfriend, and guessed she assumed that at some point they would do it, but now that all seemed so far removed. She didn't know if she ever wanted a boyfriend again, that's if you could even consider Mitch her boyfriend.

"Lizzie? Hey, are you okay?" Vickie finally seemed to register that Elizabeth hadn't spoken a word in the entire conversation.

She gave them a weak smile and shrugged. "Sure. I'm great-luckiest girl in school, right?" On cue, her phone rang, giving Elizabeth a reason to send the girls out of her room.

"Hello," she said into the receiver.

"Sooo?" Aunt Joan's voice reverberated in her ear. "How was it?" Elizabeth thought she had control of her emotions, but hearing Joan sound so excited for her when she felt the opposite was more difficult than she imagined.

"I had a nice time at the dance," she said softly. That was a safe statement. She did have a good time with her friends, and she did like to dance.

"And your date? Was he dressed nicely? Did he like your dress?" Aunt Joan was trying to connect with her. Elizabeth felt incredible guilt about not at least trying to engage with her.

"Yeah, he looked good and he liked my dress." The sound of the zipper echoing in the room filled her ears and she turned to look at the dress in a rumpled pile in the corner. A tear slid down her cheek.

"Lizzie? Are you alright?" Alright. That was a loaded question.

She swiped the tear away. "Yeah. I'm alright. Just a little tired is all."

December 1986

Henry wasn't sure what to make of the phone message that Elizabeth left him. Being upset, he'd taken a long drive and hadn't returned until close to sunrise. He sort of panicked when he came in at 6 a.m. and found the answering machine light flashing. He'd never stayed out all night before. It would be just his luck that something happened to a family member. Thankfully that wasn't the case, but he had no idea what Elizabeth would say.

She seemed adamant that he wasn't the cause of her distress, but Henry couldn't see how that wasn't the case. He made a pot of coffee and started making pancakes, determined to stay awake and wait for her.

Elizabeth sat in the middle of her bed a few blocks over, biding her time. She hadn't really been able to sleep. She couldn't decide if she was more afraid of Henry walking away because he thought he was the cause of her distress or him walking away because he wouldn't want to be with her after she told him what had happened. Would he think she was just being dramatic or maybe crazy? Honestly, it didn't matter what his reasons were. Elizabeth didn't really picture any scenario where he would choose to stay with her.

She let out a long, slow breath before heading to the bathroom to clean up a little before going to Henry's. Her nerves kept her from taking too long and she soon found herself on Henry's doorstep a little after 7 a.m. Glancing at her watch, Elizabeth wondered what the hell she was thinking. He probably wouldn't even be up. She shuffled back and forth in front of his door , wondering if she should hit the cafeteria first for a cup of coffee and try again later.

Elizabeth turned to leave just as Henry opened the door, holding a bag of trash to go outside. "Elizabeth?" She spun around. "Where are you going?" His heart sank at the thought she'd changed her mind.

Elizabeth studied him. Henry looked grief-stricken. His eyes were bloodshot and sunk deep into his skull. His always clean shaven face, housed a full shadow of stubble. "I'm so sorry," she mumbled, as she covered her mouth with her hand, in an attempt to physically hold her emotions in.

"Baby, talk to me." Henry extended his hand and visibly sighed with relief when she took it. He left the trash sitting outside his door, instead, walking her to the couch. He disappeared into the kitchen, but returned carrying a tray holding two cups of coffee and a plate of pancakes. He set the tray down.

"Do you want breakfast?" he asked.

Elizabeth looked from him to the pancakes and back at him. Yes, she was most definitely falling in love with this considerate, kind, smart and handsome man. She closed her eyes and wondered how she'd handle the devastation when he broke up with her.

She took the plate and set it in her lap and took a couple bites. Henry said nothing, sensing that she was building herself up for something, but he could never have guessed the story she would tell.

Listening quietly, he didn't want to interrupt her train of thought by asking unnecessary questions. It was enough that she was sharing at all. Elizabeth took bites here and there as she told him about her sophomore year when she arrived at Houghton Hall and how she had to work hard to make friends. And how she'd settled in her junior year and signed up for the field hockey team and how a guy had taken an interest in her. At first, it wasn't completely unwanted, because he was popular and her friends were jealous, but his advances always made her uncomfortable. Elizabeth talked about the things this guy had done and Henry started to piece together why Elizabeth sometimes reacted the way she did.

She continued, telling about his invitation to accompany him to the fall dance and how she'd wanted to say no, but her friends pressured her into going. Then, there was how excited her aunt was to take her shopping, and Will, who always had an insult thought she was hot.

Henry furrowed his brow as he listened to Elizabeth talk about her wondering if there was such a thing as looking too hot. His heart sank when she posed the rhetorical question about whether she asked for trouble by trying to look good. She continued her story: the car ride, the empty room, the bruises, her ecstatic friends, the joyful sound in Joan's voice-thankful that her painfully shy niece was coming out of her shell, and then the brush-off. She watched him move on to the next cute girl.

Then, Elizabeth apologized to Henry because she thought she had taken care of "this," but now memories kept creeping up and would upset her. She didn't want him to think he was the cause, because it was really all of this other junk in her past, and he was just taking the brunt of it.

Elizabeth stopped and took a deep breath. The whole time she had been staring down into her plate of pancakes. There was more she had to say, but she needed to make eye contact. She needed to know if it was worth it to put it all out there, bare her soul and hope for the best.

Henry sat across from her completely stupefied. Elizabeth truly seemed to have no idea why the events of her past would be bothering her. It was like she thought she could just tuck them away in an "unfortunate happenings" file and talk herself into believing nothing happened.

Elizabeth finally looked up at him, allowing her gaze to meet his. What she saw surprised her. She expected scorn or disbelief or indifference. Instead, she saw shock, but it wasn't angry. She saw compassion and sadness in those brown eyes.

Taking a deep breath, she steeled herself to speak from her heart. "I'm scared Henry. I like you, and if I'm honest, I more than like you. What if this makes you not want to be with me anymore? It's ruined so many things,and I don't want it to ruin us." She twisted her hands in her lap. "I want to fix it but I don't know how."

"Can I hold you?" Henry asked tentatively, now unsure what would be non threatening. Elizabeth didn't answer, but immediately scooted to his end of the couch into his side. "You are the only woman I know, who was raped, and expects herself to be able to push it aside like nothing happened. You would never expect that of anyone else, yet the standards you set for yourself so much higher.

Elizabeth's brow knitted in confusion, pulling back to look at him. "I wasn't raped. It's not the same."

"I don't see how it's not. You didn't want to, but it happened against your will. Isn't that rape?"

Elizabeth pulled away from Henry, hid her face and mumbled, "But I never said no."


	5. Chapter 5

AN: This is it! Thank you so much for reading along. All of your kind words mean so much. This has proven to be a pretty busy time in my life and I haven't been able to write like I want, but hopefully things will settle down and I can get back to it soon. I hope you enjoy this final chapter.

Chapter 5

"But I never said no."

Henry thought about that for a minute. "I'm not sure that your mind and body care about the semantics. It only knows that something happened and you felt threatened. It's 's logical." He remembered back to his silly act of scaring her and felt awful. "I'm really sorry for jumping out and grabbing you that night after my ball game. I can't imagine how terrifying it was."

"It's okay. I seriously overreacted." Henry watched as Elizabeth pushed the last pancake bite around on her plate, soaking up the syrup.

"Do you ever think your feelings are warranted, or do you just dismiss them all?" Henry wondered how harsh he sounded after it left his mouth, but when Elizabeth looked at him, he didn't think she took it that way.

She shrugged one shoulder and looked back down at her now empty plate. Sliding it off her lap onto the coffee table, she looked up at Henry. "Before my parents died, I was pretty emotional. A lot of things bothered me and the world knew it. Will would label me as overdramatic, I'm sure. But when they died, it was like I finally knew what was real hurt was, and nothing else compared. That and everyone pretty much got tired of hearing how sad I was." Tilting her head back down, she said, "When no one wanted to be around me, it became more functional to just pretend everything was okay."

Henry pulled her back against him and rested his cheek on the top of her head. "What happens when it's no longer functional?" he murmured.

"I don't know Henry." Elizabeth's voice held a fear that he didn't quite grasp.

"Babe, what is it?" he asked, softly stroking her arm.

"What happens when you get tired of me being like this? Mitch took what he wanted and left. Then it happened with another boyfriend. There will come a time when you're tired of it too."

"And then I'll leave?" Henry finished the thought. She nodded slightly. "I'm pretty sure that won't happen." Henry almost let it slip that he loved her, but decided against it. Elizabeth didn't need that pressure hanging over her.

They sat quietly for quite a while. Elizabeth pulled away and yawned. "Did you get any sleep last night?" he asked. Elizabeth shook her head. "Why don't you go lay down on my bed? I didn't sleep much myself. I'll nap out here. Then we can have a late lunch. How does that sound?"

"You-you don't-shouldn't I leave now?" Elizabeth had a hard time understanding why he was letting her stay. While there was always a sliver of hope, she had spent the previous night preparing and even expecting him to send her away.

"Please don't leave. I don't know what I'd do without you." Tipping her head back, he kissed her cheek. "I don't know how to make it better, but I won't push you. Take your time and do the things you need to do. I'll still be here. I promise."

Elizabeth never consciously realized it, but when Henry showed no judgement and wasn't planning on sending her away, a tension she'd held since the beginning, melted away. Suddenly, she was so incredibly tired. "I think I will take that nap if you don't mind," she said as she stood. Elizabeth watched as Henry agreed and then he shifted to lay down on the couch, exhausted himself. She held out her hand. "Join me?"

Henry looked at her curiously. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't. I'm just talking about taking a nap, and maybe a little cuddling. Think you could get on board with that?" she asked, mustering a little flirtatiousness.

Henry was already standing. "I'm definitely on board." Within minutes, Elizabeth was wrapped in Henry's arms in the middle of his bed. Just before he drifted off, Henry whispered, "Thank you."

Elizabeth turned to look over her shoulder at him. "For what?" she asked.

"For letting me in and trusting me. I know that was hard."

"I just couldn't bear the thought of letting you walk away thinking you were the cause of this mess." Elizabeth took hold of his hand and kissed the back of it.

Henry thought about this for a moment, ignoring the exhaustion that was pulling him toward sleep. "But you thought I'd walk away anyway."

"I did," she murmured.

"You are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. Sleep babe." And they both drifted off.

April 1987

Henry pushed Elizabeth away and rolled off the bed. Pulling a pair of shorts on, he walked out of the room, leaving a stunned Elizabeth laying in the middle of his bed.

She was at a loss trying to figure out what just happened. She wasn't sure if it was her or him, but when he didn't return after a few minutes, she leaned over the edge of the bed and felt around. When her hand landed on the pile of knit fabric that had been tossed in the heat of passion a while before, she grabbed it. Tugging it over her head, she realized it was Henry's shirt, not hers, but that didn't particularly matter.

Moments later, she stood at the end of the short hallway watching Henry move listlessly around the kitchen. Quietly, he alternated from one side of the tiny space to the other taking glasses from the drying rack and placing them into the cabinet.

"Can we talk about it?" she asked softly. Henry froze, with his hand still on the cabinet door. Finally, he sighed and turned, letting his body sag against the counter.

"I'm not putting anything else on you," he said, barely raising his eyes enough to catch a glimpse of her. Elizabeth leaned one shoulder against the wall and crossed her arms, giving him a wistful look.

"It's not like that hasn't happened anyway." Elizabeth shifted her eyes away from Henry, unable to look at him anymore. Henry sighed and wished at that moment he was one of those guys who would just take whatever a girl would offer up, without analyzing the motives behind it.

"We've already agreed to wait for a while to have sex, but-"

Elizabeth interrupted, "I know and I'm sorry that's my fault." She stared at the floor. "I always make sure you're taken care of."

"And that's the problem."

Elizabeth's head snapped up. "How's that a problem? Last time I checked you didn't mind."

"I didn't at first, but it's all one sided, and you giving me a blow job out of guilt cannot possibly be a good thing." Henry saw her expression and immediately checked his words. "I'm sorry." He moved toward her.

Taking her hands in his, he spoke. "I just don't like the idea of never getting to return my love. And I know you aren't ready, and I'm okay with that. Really, I am. But, it seems like you feel obligated to get me off when I'm aroused, and it doesn't feel right, That's why I left. I'm not that guy, and I don't want to become that guy either."

When they made eye contact, Henry saw the look in her eyes and understood. "It's not guilt, is it? Are you afraid that I'm going to leave if you don't give me something that makes me want to stay."

She shrugged and turned away from him, suddenly feeling very vulnerable. There were times that she didn't like it when Henry could read her so well. Elizabeth's mind wandered back to Jeff and how he had expected her to please him, as if there wasn't another option. If she didn't give him that, he would leave. Was that not the way all men were?

"There was a guy-my senior year. When I wouldn't-well-go all the way, he," she paused. expected things."

"And?" Henry asked.

"And what?" Elizabeth asked. "I just thought that's how it was."

Henry cupped her jaw and raised it so their eyes could meet. "He didn't love you. He used you. It's not supposed to be like that." Bringing his other hand up, he tilted her head back so he could see her well. "You deserve so much better." He kissed her gently.

December 1990

Elizabeth stood in front of the full length mirror on the back of the hotel room door and studied her reflection. It wasn't happening exactly as she'd hoped, but she was getting the thing she most desired. She was about to become Mrs. Henry McCord.

Elizabeth wasn't wearing the formal white gown. Instead, she opted for a winter white dress that hit her just above the knee. It had a wide collar with navy trim. Her hair was pulled up into a twist, and her make up was perfect. Aunt Joan had insisted on Elizabeth having her hair and makeup done professionally. Joan had said something about a ponytail and lip gloss if she didn't insist on more. As Elizabeth stood there, she thought about how she looked. "Too pretty?" she wondered, and immediately grimaced. Those kinds of thoughts hadn't been around for quite a while.

It was nearly four years ago when she and Henry went to their first ROTC Christmas Ball and she ended up baring her soul to Henry the next day.

In the months following, Elizabeth struggled to come to terms with her feelings regarding Mitch and then Jeff. At Henry's urging, she begrudgingly went to a counselor on campus and found that her situation wasn't all that unique. It had happened to lots of girls. And Elizabeth's reaction was a very common one.

Just telling Henry and acknowledging it was the biggest step. Once she did that, she felt like a weight she'd been carrying for two years was lifted. It did take some time for them to make the final jump to making love, but Henry never pushed and when it did happen, Elizabeth was fully present and they were committed to their relationship.

That was more than two years ago, and now Henry was going to be deployed soon. While they'd been engaged for several months, the marriage was sudden. Henry desperately wanted them to be married before he left so that she could receive his benefits should something happen to him. Elizabeth fought the idea at first saying that she didn't want the money, but it was really that she didn't want to think about the prospect of him not coming home.

The knock at the door directed her attention back to the present. She stepped into her heels and opened the door. Henry stood in front of her wearing his dress blues. She would never tire of seeing him dressed up. He was beyond handsome. His eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly ajar.

"You're gorgeous," he murmured. He reached out and touched her gold hoop earrings. "My favorite," he said.

"They've been through a lot. I told you they were going to make good memories."

"May I?" he asked, picking up her cape. "Shall we go get married?"

"I can never say no to you," Elizabeth whispered and she put her hand in Henry's and let him lead her from the room. She'd never been happier.


End file.
